You can't shut us ALL up, Barry, baby!http://http://gatewaypundit.blogspot.com/2008/09/obama-goon-squad-shuts-down-macsmind.html

not now, not ever.

The Role Players of the Apoca... er... Election

We return to our zero... er, heroes as they travel through the pre-election wilderness after a bathroom and refuel break

SCENE: Players are returning from the kitchen with soft drinks in hands.

BARRY: So what's with the bracelet, grandpa? I never knew you swung that way.

JOHN: It's a memory bracelet. Each charm is someone you want to remember. (holds up his arm, which jingles. A lot.). This one is -

JOE: Oh you mean like the earrings and nipple rings I've got for my cousins in Iraq?

JOHN: (coldly) Yes, although not so tacky.

BARRY: Well, I have one on my -

JOE, JOHN, SARAH, DM: Ew! TMI, dude!

BARRY: (sniffs) Michelle likes it.

(They take their places at the table)

DM: You've been traveling for several days without incident. The terrain gradually becomes wilder.

JOE: (looking through this character sheets and inventory) I didn't think we had one of those.

JOHN: He means the scenery.

JOE: Well why didn't he say so?

JOHN: Never mind.

BARRY quickly puts his inventory down and tries to look relaxed.

DM: Ahead of you the path enters a deep chasm. (looks at JOE) There are cliffs on either side or the path. It looks like there are caves in the rock.

SARAH: Do I hear anything?

DM: What are your skills again?

SARAH: Level 8 tracking, level 9 wilderness lore.

DM (Rolls dice behind screen): You hear sounds ahead that you can't identify.

SARAH: (softly) I think there might be an ambush ahead. I hear something.

BARRY: I can't hear anything.

DM: Half-elves hear better than humans.

BARRY (frowns): No-one knows what we're doing. There's no reason anything would ambush us. (to SARAH) If you're so worried, you can go ahead.

SARAH (sighs): Fine. I draw my sword and walk carefully forward.

DM: Sarah has taken four steps into the chasm when a Charisma Troll jumps at her. (Rolls dice). Sarah, you have initiative.

SARAH: Do I know about Charisma Trolls?

DM: Yes. They're normal trolls that have been enchanted by someone's Charisma and follow that person around attacking anything they think is the person's enemy.

SARAH gives BARRY a dirty look.

BARRY looks innocent.

SARAH: I'm attacking with my sword.

JOHN: I'm going berserk and going to help Sarah.

DM: Sarah, roll 2 D20. (Sarah rolls and scores 37) You score a solid hit on the troll. It staggers back, swipes at you and misses. John, roll 3 D12. (John rolls 3 12s) You go berserk and charge the troll. Two more Charisma Trolls emerge from the rocks.

JOHN: I'm using my axe.

DM (nods to John): Barry, you face a moral dilemma.

JOE: Use your Dopey Change shield.

BARRY: Hopey Change (glares at JOE)

JOE: Same difference.

DM: It's a moral dilemma. A shield is useless.

BARRY: I'm going to use my Charisma and persuasion on it.

DM: There's nothing to persuade. It's a moral dilemma.

JOE: I bet it's got big teeth.

DM: You have to make a choice.

BARRY: Why? Is it going to eat us?

DM: It's a moral dilemma. It doesn't eat things.

JOE: So it just, like, maims us?

BARRY: What level is it?

DM (looks pained):It's just a MORAL DILEMMA. You have to make a choice.

BARRY: It's not fair. You're not telling us what to choose. Is it because I'm not white?

JOHN: Barry, you're like... dark tan. Come off it.

BARRY: (Sullenly) I'm not. Got relatives in Africa.

JOE, SARAH, JOHN and DM roll their eyes.

DM: I can't tell you what to choose. It's a moral dilemma.

JOE: I'm covered in squirrels. AAAAAAAH!

SARAH: What?

JOHN, BARRY, DM: Oh, that's just Joe.

BARRY: So, (Focused and intense) You refuse to tell us what to do, right? So. I take out my sword and attack the moral dilemma.

DM: It's still there.

BARRY: But... but... It's a +5 Sword of Righteousness! That should kill anything!

DM: You can't kill it, it's a moral dilemma.

BARRY: So... Immortal, is it? Joe, cast it down into a dungeon.

DM It's immaterial. You can't cast it anywhere.

BARRY: Joe, what should I do?

JOE: I don't know Barry, you should have Hills here. She's much better at gaming than me.

BARRY: Shuddup, okay? (deep breath) Right. Immaterial. (looks through inventory) Fine. I use my +5 press shield, you know, the press troll who is in love with my charisma.

DM: The moral dilemma hasn't changed.

BARRY: So, tough is it? I bring forth my +9 charisma.

DM (sighs). Saving roll. You need 20d20.

BARRY: Aw man! You always do that! Sarah put you up to this, didn't she?

JOHN: Just shut up and roll, Barry.

SARAH tries not to laugh.

BARRY rolls a 1.

DM: The moral dilemma whacks you with a dictionary and a thesaurus, then goes to find someone who knows it when they see it. Take 10 hit points.

BARRY: But... that's not FAIR! Joe, do something.

JOE: Has anyone got a dictionary?

SARAH hands him one.

JOE: (leafing through the pages) It's kind of like when Fred in the Flintstones -

CHORUS of BARRY, JOHN, SARAH, DM: Shut up Joe.

JOE: (Staring at dictionary): You mean it's a choice? That's like, the dumbest monster ever.

DM puts his head in his hands and groans.

#

The Role Players of the Apoca... er... Election

In honor of the antics of the presidential and vice presidential candidates, Irene presents the Election RPG...

Scene: Ratty dining room.

Players: Barry, Joe, John, Sarah, and DM.

Characters: Barry - human level 16 Lawful Good Paladin. +5 Sword of Righteousness, +5 Armor of Changey Hope. Charisma 19, Wisdom 8, Strength 10, Endurance 10. Skills - +6 Leadership, +8 Persuasion

Joe - human level 14 True Neutral Magic User, Robes +1 Defense against Weapons, +6 Defense Against Magic. +10 Ring of Efficacy (boosts experience points without need to act). Charisma -5, Wisdom 12, Strength 8, Endurance 4. Skills +5 Obscure Lore

John - dwarf level 17 Chaotic Good Warrior. +8 Battleaxe, +6 Armor. Charisma 6, Wisdom 7, Strength 16, Endurance 14. Skills +8 Berserker.

Sarah - half-elf Level 10 Ranger. +3 Accuracy on arrows. +3 Armor, + 4 Sword, +3 Ring of Truth. Charisma 15, Wisdom 15, Strength 12, Endurance 13. Skills +8 Tracking, +9 Wilderness Lore.

Quest - Players are questing for the Lost Jewels of the Eagle. These will grant immense power and influence to the person who possesses them, but can be held by only one person and shared with one other. There is a lot of internal rivalry over which player is going to get to the jewels first.

BARRY: Who's she?

DM: SARAH's just joined us. I'll introduce her character in play.

BARRY: But she's a GIRL!

SARAH: So?

JOHN (whispers to SARAH): He hated having Hills here, too. I think he's scared of girls.

BARRY: Hmph. (folds arms and looks sullen).

Action: Players take seats at the table. BARRY ostentatiously sits as far from SARAH as he can.

DM (lifts rule book to hide his notes): We're going to skip forward a little. You had several days of uneventful travel and have taken rooms in an inn in the town of Waselaidere. Each of you deduct ten gold from your supplies and bring your journey bread, dried meat, wine and other travel supplies back to full strength.

BARRY: We paid thirty gold for THAT?

DM: It's a small town and you're newcomers.

JOE: But I --

DM: You got cheated. Deal.

(Barry and Joe look sulky.)

DM: You go into the bar of the inn for dinner and JOHN sees someone he recognizes. (nods to SARAH)

JOHN: I wave and walk over to her. Hi there! How's life treating you?

SARAH: Hi yourself, stranger. (smiles). Things are all right. You?

JOHN: Just passing through. I'm with a couple of others on a quest. (winks and whispers) We're after a big prize, but I don't trust the other two. I think they're planning to double-cross me.

SARAH (whispers) If you want someone you can trust, I'm between jobs at the moment.

JOHN: Over here. (Waves) Listen, you know that trouble we had with the Feral Earmarker?

(Barry and Joe shudder)

JOE: Oh, yeah. That cost us a lot of gold.

JOHN (nods) Well, my friend here has a lot of experience killing that kind of beast.

BARRY: But she's a girl!

SARAH: And there's an Earmarker head over my mantelpiece back home. Do you have a problem with that?

BARRY: Um...

JOE: How much did it cost you?

SARAH: Three arrows and a broken bridge, why?

JOE: You're in.

(to be continued...)

First Strip

First comic. Still figuring out lettering. If it's hard to read, try bringing it up in a new tab :).

The Gettysburg Text Message

(Validating Joe Biden's notions of history, this document was just found. It seems to have been sent via coal-powered Blackberry with genuine 19th century abbreviations: )

4 scor & 7 yrs ago our 4fthrs brot 4th, upn ths cntnt a new nashn, cnceevd in librty, & dd8td 2 da prop. dt "al mn r cre8d ="

Now we r ngged in a gr8t cvl u-r, tstng whthr dt nt1/any nt1 so cnceevd & so ddc8td, cn lng ndur. We r mt on a grt bttl fld of dt wr. We hv cm 2 a prt1 of it, s a fnl rstng playc 4 dos oo died hr, tht the nt1 mit lv. Ths we m a, in al prprty do. Bt, in a lrgr sns, we cn nt ddc8 -- we cn nt cnscr8 -- we cn nt ha-lo, ths grnd-- The brv mn, lvng & ded, oo strgld hr, hv halo/d it, fr abv r pr por 2 ad r dtrct. De wrld wll lttl nt, nr lng rmmbr wht we s a hr; whl it cn never forget wht th a dd hr.

It is rthr 4 us, th lvng, 2 stnd hr, we hr be ddc8d 2 th grt tsk rmng b4 us -- dat, frm ths hnrd ded we tk incrsd dvt1 2 dat cos 4 whch th a hr. gav de lst ful msur of dvot1 -- dat we hr hily rsolv ths ded shll nt hv did in va n; dat th nt1, shll hv a new brth of frdom, & dat gvrnmnt of d ppl/de ppl 4 de ppl, shl nt prsh frm de urth.

- Abram LinKln