The Role Players of the Apoca... er... Election

We return to our zero... er, heroes as they travel through the pre-election wilderness after a bathroom and refuel break

SCENE: Players are returning from the kitchen with soft drinks in hands.

BARRY: So what's with the bracelet, grandpa? I never knew you swung that way.

JOHN: It's a memory bracelet. Each charm is someone you want to remember. (holds up his arm, which jingles. A lot.). This one is -

JOE: Oh you mean like the earrings and nipple rings I've got for my cousins in Iraq?

JOHN: (coldly) Yes, although not so tacky.

BARRY: Well, I have one on my -

JOE, JOHN, SARAH, DM: Ew! TMI, dude!

BARRY: (sniffs) Michelle likes it.

(They take their places at the table)

DM: You've been traveling for several days without incident. The terrain gradually becomes wilder.

JOE: (looking through this character sheets and inventory) I didn't think we had one of those.

JOHN: He means the scenery.

JOE: Well why didn't he say so?

JOHN: Never mind.

BARRY quickly puts his inventory down and tries to look relaxed.

DM: Ahead of you the path enters a deep chasm. (looks at JOE) There are cliffs on either side or the path. It looks like there are caves in the rock.

SARAH: Do I hear anything?

DM: What are your skills again?

SARAH: Level 8 tracking, level 9 wilderness lore.

DM (Rolls dice behind screen): You hear sounds ahead that you can't identify.

SARAH: (softly) I think there might be an ambush ahead. I hear something.

BARRY: I can't hear anything.

DM: Half-elves hear better than humans.

BARRY (frowns): No-one knows what we're doing. There's no reason anything would ambush us. (to SARAH) If you're so worried, you can go ahead.

SARAH (sighs): Fine. I draw my sword and walk carefully forward.

DM: Sarah has taken four steps into the chasm when a Charisma Troll jumps at her. (Rolls dice). Sarah, you have initiative.

SARAH: Do I know about Charisma Trolls?

DM: Yes. They're normal trolls that have been enchanted by someone's Charisma and follow that person around attacking anything they think is the person's enemy.

SARAH gives BARRY a dirty look.

BARRY looks innocent.

SARAH: I'm attacking with my sword.

JOHN: I'm going berserk and going to help Sarah.

DM: Sarah, roll 2 D20. (Sarah rolls and scores 37) You score a solid hit on the troll. It staggers back, swipes at you and misses. John, roll 3 D12. (John rolls 3 12s) You go berserk and charge the troll. Two more Charisma Trolls emerge from the rocks.

JOHN: I'm using my axe.

DM (nods to John): Barry, you face a moral dilemma.

JOE: Use your Dopey Change shield.

BARRY: Hopey Change (glares at JOE)

JOE: Same difference.

DM: It's a moral dilemma. A shield is useless.

BARRY: I'm going to use my Charisma and persuasion on it.

DM: There's nothing to persuade. It's a moral dilemma.

JOE: I bet it's got big teeth.

DM: You have to make a choice.

BARRY: Why? Is it going to eat us?

DM: It's a moral dilemma. It doesn't eat things.

JOE: So it just, like, maims us?

BARRY: What level is it?

DM (looks pained):It's just a MORAL DILEMMA. You have to make a choice.

BARRY: It's not fair. You're not telling us what to choose. Is it because I'm not white?

JOHN: Barry, you're like... dark tan. Come off it.

BARRY: (Sullenly) I'm not. Got relatives in Africa.

JOE, SARAH, JOHN and DM roll their eyes.

DM: I can't tell you what to choose. It's a moral dilemma.

JOE: I'm covered in squirrels. AAAAAAAH!

SARAH: What?

JOHN, BARRY, DM: Oh, that's just Joe.

BARRY: So, (Focused and intense) You refuse to tell us what to do, right? So. I take out my sword and attack the moral dilemma.

DM: It's still there.

BARRY: But... but... It's a +5 Sword of Righteousness! That should kill anything!

DM: You can't kill it, it's a moral dilemma.

BARRY: So... Immortal, is it? Joe, cast it down into a dungeon.

DM It's immaterial. You can't cast it anywhere.

BARRY: Joe, what should I do?

JOE: I don't know Barry, you should have Hills here. She's much better at gaming than me.

BARRY: Shuddup, okay? (deep breath) Right. Immaterial. (looks through inventory) Fine. I use my +5 press shield, you know, the press troll who is in love with my charisma.

DM: The moral dilemma hasn't changed.

BARRY: So, tough is it? I bring forth my +9 charisma.

DM (sighs). Saving roll. You need 20d20.

BARRY: Aw man! You always do that! Sarah put you up to this, didn't she?

JOHN: Just shut up and roll, Barry.

SARAH tries not to laugh.

BARRY rolls a 1.

DM: The moral dilemma whacks you with a dictionary and a thesaurus, then goes to find someone who knows it when they see it. Take 10 hit points.

BARRY: But... that's not FAIR! Joe, do something.

JOE: Has anyone got a dictionary?

SARAH hands him one.

JOE: (leafing through the pages) It's kind of like when Fred in the Flintstones -

CHORUS of BARRY, JOHN, SARAH, DM: Shut up Joe.

JOE: (Staring at dictionary): You mean it's a choice? That's like, the dumbest monster ever.

DM puts his head in his hands and groans.

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